Will you be my escape…I’ve been calling for you. Where will you take me? Wherever it is, I want to go with you. To that place that exists in memories, in dreams. In imagination. There are friends there, people that I knew, people I know, people I will know. They live in a world in between, a world where everything and nothing exists. Right now it’s the only place I can imagine being. When everything else feels like it’s failing, I reach out my arms and you draw me in.
Sometimes I hear you, but I don’t go. Those are the times when there is too much noise, when your call is drowned out by everything louder and more pressing. It’s easy to ignore you when I don’t need you. But now, when the world is alternately thundering and absolutely still, I run to you. When I feel the closeness of the walls, suffocating and drowning me, you give me your hand, and pull me from this place of limitation.
When the world around me sleeps a feverish sleep, I watch the sky darken and the stars light up the night with something that feels foolishly like hope. And when I allow my mind to go, it goes and I can leave this place for a while. It gives me rest, here my mind can wander without fear. Lately this is something I’m not familiar with, this place where there is no fear. Being here seems foreign, it feels new. It’s a good feeling, finding myself here again. It’s rediscovery, it’s healing, it’s enlightenment. A reunion with a long lost friend.
I don’t know how long this will be. I don’t know anything. All I know is that I need this time, this space, this place. Without it I would feel trapped, isolated. Alone.
When everything is chaos, and I can’t see far enough to know where to place my foot to take the next step, I know it’s there. It waits patiently for its turn, it doesn’t feel resentment over waiting, over the countless times I’ve rejected it. It gives and offers its solace time and time again. And I’m grateful for that. Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve it. The light of a screen, the glow of keys, permission to go somewhere else for a while. A beacon in an increasingly frightening night. I find it all there when I sit down to write. I write it all away.
I don’t want to worry about what it sounds like. I don’t want to over analyze it, agonize over it. It doesn’t need to be perfect. Honestly, it doesn’t even need to be good. It just needs to be. Right now, that really is enough. I show myself some grace, and it delivers grace in return.
When it’s all too much, when it doesn’t make sense, when the world feels flipped upside down and ripped inside out, look for it. It’s there. That solace found in traveling somewhere far away, but also very near. Somewhere locked deep inside your imagination, where for a little while at least, things make sense.
It was late, and I felt the weight on my shoulders– the heaviness of worries, concerns, pressures, unknowns, suffering, hurt for the world, pain and so much uncertainty. I slid behind the computer, and I ran to it. My spirit slipped away from the bonds that kept me anchored and I flew. Take me home, for a little while at least. And I wrote it all away.